How To Be An Effective Listening Ear

As I am learning more about myself and how to manage life with severe depression, I have gotten to a place where I am very particular with how I like my space. I have labels for everything. I have designated spots for everything and clutter tends to drive me crazy. I get made fun of a lot for this. My desk at work doesn’t have anything on it. My books and movies are in alphabetical order. You get the picture. Now, people poke fun at me because of the level of organization I choose to live with by. Truth is I need that level of organization in my life. That is what got me and (still gets me) through the hard days. The days where I’m really down. The days where I feel like I can’t get out bed. The days where my mind is so bogged down I can’t make a decision or think or mentally slow down. I have a sense of security when I know where everything is and everything is always in its place; I never have to search for anything. Those few less decisions I have to make in a day (especially on a hard day), mean everything to me. Those moments where I don’t have to search for my car keys which could make me late somewhere. Those moments where I know my world around is set in stone when my mind is scrambled and my anxiety is high are everything. When things start to get out of control in my space, I have to start cleaning and organizing again. It calms me. It keeps grounded. It gives me a sense of accomplishment on days when I feel I can’t do anything right. I am a minimalist. And maybe through certain passages that I have read in the Bible God brought me to this space or maybe because I have grown to strongly dislike clutter and disorganization; but being a minimalist has been the best thing for my severe depression. I am constantly looking for ways to minimize my possessions. I am constantly looking for and learning new ways to remain minimal in all that I do. Being a minimalist is a part of my life and identity; I even minimize my dogs possessions every month. In my world and in my mind, having excess stuff and large amounts of anything screams chaos. Chaos screams disorganized. Disorganized screams lack of control. If I don’t have some sense of control in my space, specifically when I am feeling my severe depression really hard (that could be a couple days to a couple of months at a time), I will continue to fall apart.  I admit I probably go a little to far with it, but if this is the level I need to be at in my own space to not feel overly anxious and to help me manage and control what I can during periods a depression, then that is what I will continue do.

The last quarter of 2018 was an emotional roller coaster. It did not feel things I planned or desired were going my way. I was pretty bummed about this, but I kept pushing through and remained positive. What this sparked was for me to think about my actions, my decisions, my conversations, my thoughts, my friends/inner circles, my relationships. I wanted to make sure that all of those things were lining up with what I truly desired and wanted for my life. What I found through this exercise was that there were things and people in my life that did not belong AND I also noticed that I had been trying to do things on my own. As I came to this epiphany, I instantly knew I needed to make changes. Some of these changes would be very easy and some of these changes were going to be tough, but nonetheless, I made the necessary changes. The first thing I changed was what type of content I let into my life. Content includes music, tv shows, books, conversations; basically, anything that you can consume visually or auditory. One of the first things I changed was what I listened to every morning on my way to work. It takes me about 35-40 minutes to drive from my front door to the office that I work. This was a prime time to listen to something that would grow myself verse listening to songs I have heard over and over again. The content I chose to replace music with is recorded sermons. While in college, I attended Life.Church satellite campus in Fort Worth, TX and I really enjoyed the service and the teaching style of the pastor, Pastor Craig Groeschel. Thinking about that I proceeded to scroll through the Life.Church app, that has been on my phone for quite some time but has hardly been used. I came across a message series called ‘Travel Light’. The synopsis of the message series is “When the weight of the world is on your shoulders, it can feel like you’re going nowhere in a hurry. Shake off the burdens of stress, worry, and regret and find the freedom that comes with you Travel Life.” Given some of the things that I had been feeling and going through, this seemed like the perfect way to get started down this new path I wanted to walk. This message series is a 5-part series by Pastor Craig Groeschel of Life.Church and part 1 of the message series was titled ‘Letting Go of Stuff’. I didn’t really know what to expect from the message, but I knew I would hear a great message. I was not disappointed!!! This was the PERFECT message for me and where I was in my life. There is one line in that entire sermon that really sticks with me “It’s better to have LESS of what DOESN’T matter and MORE of what DOES matter.” The entire message was about letting go of stuff that doesn’t matter. The pastor was encouraging us to throw out the junk in our lives, not just organize it, but truly de-own the junk in our lives which means getting rid of it. I pondered upon this message for the rest of the day and the next and the next. Even though I was listening to a new message every day, I still thought deeply about the ‘Letting Go of Stuff’ sermon. That sermon mixed with a conversation I was having with my family the previous week in which my brother mentioned the word minimalism started keeping me up at night. Finally, I researched minimalism. I had never heard of it before, but within the past week I had heard it twice. The more I researched the more I was intrigued. There is a purpose for everything, and everything has a purpose.

In my first year as a minimalist, I will say I learned a lot about myself and about “stuff.” Being a minimalist is not easy, especially in a world where you’re always hearing about how you need this new gadget and that car, or this new bag because last year’s bag is “out of style.” We have all heard these same lines before and we will continue to hear them because they work. Here is what I learned as a first year minimalist: Being a minimalist is truly a mindset. I have to think in a minimal way when I want to make purchases or go out to events and they are giving away small free items. The main questions I ask myself are “Will this bring value to my life?” and “Is this something that I need or want?” If it is a need, I allow myself to get the item(s). If it’s a want, refer to question 1. Having setbacks are okay. I had to keep pressing forward and remind myself of my end goals. I went through periods where I stopped minimizing items. I went through periods where I didn’t fill my donation box. I went through periods where I purchased items not on my shopping list, but I knew minimalism was still important to me. Getting back on track is the key. I needed to define minimalism for myself before jumping in. Before getting into minimalism I did my research. I read some books. I listened to podcasts. The main thing I needed to do was decide what MY minimal number of items would be. That was the one area where I wouldn’t be able to just follow what others do or believe. What was enough clothes? What was enough shoes? So on and so forth. Once I was able to identify what minimalism looked like for me, it made it easier to fend off all the unwanted advertisements and tchotchkes. Creating my own system makes it easier to stick to minimalism. Having tactics and game plans to handle your stuff is huge when living as a minimalist. I learned to develop my own system for handling things (some of those tactics will be shared in future blogs). I need to be consistent in my efforts. Decluttering in the beginning is the hardest because you don’t always see progress, but once you get to your minimal numbers and start seeing the extra space you have created, maintaining is easy and contagious. I’ve gotten rid of a lot of stuff over the last year. Some items I remember (I don’t miss them or regret getting rid of them), but majority I don’t. I feel so much lighter in my mind knowing that I don’t own so many unnecessary items. My space feels bigger, even though it is the same square footage. It is way easier to remain organized when I don’t have so much clutter everywhere or a consistent flow of new items being brought into my space. Talk to me about your first experiences with minimalism. What have you learned? Where are you struggling? What tactics have worked for you? There is a spot for everything, and everything has a spot.

Something that grinds my gears is having stacks of papers everywhere. Papers in drawers. Papers on the counter. Papers on the desk. It seems like no matter where I look there are papers laying around. Receipts, mail, sticky notes, printed papers, and the list can go on and on. Another great reason to minimize is to help you gain control of the excess paper that manages to find its way into our homes. EXISTING PAPER CLUTTER I have created a flow chart to illustrate how I separate and handle paper.

As Christmas inches closer and closer and we rack our brains for last minute gifts consider these gift ideas. While the below is not an end all be all list of non-material gift ideas, this is definitely a start. Experiences Whether you give a gift card to a couple for a date night or you give a kid tickets to the zoo or museum, it doesn’t matter. The point is you are gifting people you love and care about an experience verse an item. People will remember experiences way more than a physical item they received. Gifted experiences do not have to be extravagant (but they can be), so think about activities your friends and family enjoy (or might enjoy) and gift them that experience this holiday season. Event tickets (concert, sporting event, movie tickets, play tickets, etc) Classes or lessons Cooking class Painting class Music lessons Sports lessons Motorcycle lessons Wine tasting Brewery tour Escape Room Coupons Now this may sound a little silly (and I’m not talking about manufacture coupons either) but gifting handwritten coupons can be a great gift for family members. Examples include: Washing the car Cleaning the kitchen 10-minute shoulder massage Movie night Breakfast in bed No chores for a day For kids they might look like this: Stay up 30 minutes past bedtime Breakfast in bed Lunch date with mommy/daddy Family game night Breakfast for dinner Babysitting Camping in the backyard The possibilities for coupons are meant to be fun, personal and are as limited as your imagination. These make great stocking stuffers or card inserts for anyone of any age. Donate your Christmas to a Cause I’ve seen many people do this on Facebook for their birthday’s where they donate their birthday to a cause or your favorite nonprofit organization. Why not take this same approach with Christmas. Select a nonprofit organization that you endorse, Set a goal amount (realistic, but challenging), find the right platform to help you handle the money that is being donated, Promote! Promote! Promote! Let your friends and family know the purpose and how to contribute. Lastly, once the fundraiser has ended and the money has been donated, let everyone know how appreciative you are that they contributed, how much total money was raised and express to them the difference their contribution made to the nonprofit. Plants For those in your family that are GREEN or are passionate about saving the earth, this is a great gift idea. The gifted plant could help complete their home garden, it could be a fruit or vegetable plant if they enjoy growing their own food, or it could bring peace and calm to their home or room. Yes, this is a physical gift, but it is also a very functional gift that will be used many times over and be very appreciate. Memberships If you have kids or family members that are really into their hobbies or sports, memberships can be a great gift. Examples of membership gifts include, but are not limited to, Rock climbing Archery Golf club Batting cages Museum memberships Scuba certification Spa memberships Freshly/blue apron Book of the month club Now a days there are memberships for everything; so, find a membership that suits your friend or family members needs and watch their face light up with excitement on Christmas Day. Comment below with the types of non-material gift ideas you have gifted in the past or are gifting this Christmas. There is a purpose for everything, and everything has a purpose. 

In my Travel Light post I talk about how God was a major factor in why I chose to pursue a minimalist life. I have been praying for verses to speak to me that can help tie my relationship with God to my new and developing minimalist lifestyle. Matthew 6: 19-34 are some of those verses. The subtitle of these verses is “Teaching about Money and Possessions.” How fitting are these verses in regards to minimalism. These verses touch on “not storing up treasures here on earth”, serving two masters, and not worrying about everyday life. What is so empowering about these verses and the words spoken so perfectly by Jesus is they are reminders and motivation to keep minimizing when life sets in and you have lost some momentum. Lean on Jesus to carry you in those times where minimizing possessions gets tough. Lean on Jesus to provide what you need in every phase of life. Jesus is telling us that God will take care of us in all ways everyday of our life; we just need to trust Him. We need to give him our prayers, wants, needs, and desires. He knows what we want and need before we even ask for it. That is extremely comforting to me to know that Jesus is telling us to focus on what life God wants for us; not material earthly possessions. That is enough motivation for me to continue my journey towards minimalism. The level of trust and faith that is required will bring you closer to God and strengthen your relationship with God. How have these verses impacted you in your minimalist walk? There is a purpose for everything, and everything has a purpose.

As you are getting your space into a more minimalistic state, maintaining becomes the new norm. The worst thing that can happen is you work extremely hard to minimize all your possessions and truly begin to enjoy your new space and freedom, but you never work to maintain this state. Here are some ways I maintain my minimalist lifestyle: 1 in, 1 out rule: Whenever I have to make a new purchase (shoes, clothes, electronics, appliance, movie, book, etc) I get rid of something of that same kind. This allows me to keep my possessions at the optimal amount. Large purchases: Set a dollar amount (example: $50). Any item over $50, I have to wait 30 days before I purchase the item(s). This gives me time to truly evaluate if I really need to bring this item into my life. Shop with a purchase: Whether it’s grocery shopping, going to the mall, or a quick run to the store make sure you have a list/agenda/purpose and stick to that 100% of the time. If the item didn’t make list before you left for the store, do not purchase the item(s) on this trip. This will make your shopping trips more efficient, you will save money and you will only be purchasing items that will bring value to your life. Impulse purchases: Do not impulse buy EVER! Whether it’s a small purchase at the register or something that catches your eye during a shopping trip. Work to fight off those impulse urges to purchase things you did not originally go to the store to purchase. This will help eliminate the amount of clutter you bring into your home as well as save you money!! Donation Box: Keep a donation box handy. It does not matter the size of the box, but as you are going through your 90/90 rule or each week you remove excess items and they are items you can donate, drop them in the donation box. Once the donation box gets full, bring those items to a donation place of your choosing. What are guidelines you have in place to help you maintain your minimalist lifestyle?  There is a purpose for everything, and everything has a purpose!

I love Star Wars! I have all the movies, I have shirts, and I celebrate Star Wars day (May 4 th ) every year by wearing a Star Wars shirt and watching the movies. In Episode IV: Return of The Jedi , there is a scene where the Alliance is moving in an effort to destroy the Death Star. There was an unexpected ambush and when Admiral Ackbar realizes this he exclaims “It’s a Trap!” One of many memorable lines from the Star Wars movies.  “It’s a Trap!” has become my phrase that saves. When I want to purchase something on impulse -> “It’s a Trap!” I refrain from purchasing the item. I allow myself the time to truly evaluate if I should bring that item into my life. When I want to purchase something that is not on my shopping list -> “It’s a Trap!” I only purchase items on my list, so I don’t overspend or, worse, buy excess items that I don’t really need. When I want to purchase an expensive item -> “It’s a Trap!” I need to time to weigh the pros and cons of bringing such an expensive item into my life; to weigh the opportunity cost of this big purchase. Other trap words that I am actively working to remove from my vocabulary, in regard to physical possessions, are: Favorite Best Love Emotion words Using emotion words to describe material possessions is a recipe for disaster because now it makes it that much harder to let go of said items. Deeming something as my favorite I am unintentionally assigning or creating an emotional attachment to the item which in turn makes me want to hold on to the item forever (even if it doesn’t bring me joy or have a purpose, it doesn’t fit, I don’t use it, it is collecting dust, or it’s stored away out of sight out of mind). This mindset is one I am actively working to move away from so I can maintain the optimal number of items for me without feeling overwhelmed. Can you identify any trap words in your vocabulary? There is a purpose for everything, and everything has a purpose.

From Amazon’s 2-day free shipping to HEB’s curbside grocery pick up, we expend very little energy to instantly purchase anything and everything we need and want. This creates the opportunity for us to own everything we see or impulse shop. What if we decreased the number of items, we feel compelled to own, and allow the access to these same items be the new norm?  In some ways, we are already doing this. Take music for example. Majority of us do not go to the store and purchase CD’s, we pay monthly subscriptions to music streaming services (Apple Music, Pandora, Spotify, etc.) that allow us the access to the music we enjoy. We can follow this same principle with movies, books, tv shows, video games, etc. The way internet and technology has advanced we can have access to these items and still get value from these items, without owning them. Having the digital access to content decreases the number of physical items we have in our homes. If we have the digital copy of a movie, we no longer need the physical DVD/blu-ray copy. If we have the digital copy of books or we listen to audiobooks, we no longer need to own the physical copy of the book. I am not against owning movies and books; I am against owning every single movie or book. This was a hard concept for me because I LOVE movies. I wanted a wall in my house covered in movies. Now, I do not feel that way. I would rather have access to movies and tv show series verse owning the physical copy of them. Schools are even going to this concept. Many schools have digital textbooks, the homework and assignments are to be turned in online via a school portal. If the new way of learning and absorbing information is in digital format, why continue to purchase the physical item? Advantages of access over ownership: Save money Less clutter Less items to move Less items to take care of and clean Less pacifying items When traveling, you can still enjoy these things without packing extra items There is a purpose for everything, and everything has a purpose. Below is the movie collection I used to have. I had movies everywhere. They were in my room and in a secondary bedroom. I had so many movies they didn’t even fit on my movie rack. After going through the process of minimizing my possessions and really thinking about which movies I watch the most and which bring me the most joy, my movie collection now looks like this: The focus going forward is this is the only movie rack I will ever own. If this rack gets entirely full of movies and I want to purchase another movie, I will have to minimize a movie to add my new movie. This type of boundary will force me to be conscious of new blu rays and DVD’s I want to bring into my life. This also puts an emphasis on having access to movies I may want to watch every now and then instead of trying to own them, but never watch them. There is a purpose for everything and everything has a purpose.